The Dramaqween Pastors Kid

I thought today may never happen…

February 12, 2011 at 8:41 pm (Uncategorized)

January 17th of last year I stood up in church and felt called to the struggle of infertility. Little did I know what that would mean. Some of you have read my last post back in the fall about our Journey… here’s a little update.

In November we conceived again and 2 weeks later suffered yet another miscarraige. It was devastating. I was incredibly stressed about the holidays and the thought of going through the holidays with out going through treatment or being pregnant all while trying to be Thankful for something. The emotional toll that would take would be too much to even think about for me. As strange as it sounds I miscarried quickly enough that I was able to start treatment again right away even though my dr. didn’t totally recommend it. I begged and cried. With tears in her eyes she gave me a hug and gave the ok to move forward.

 Thanksgiving this year was incredibly hard. I was missing my family, getting over that I had just miscarried again and starting the treatment all over again. The Thanksgiving service at church was a turning point for me when we sang a song at church called “We Will Remember”. We were asked to take eachothers hands and  I held hands with my husband and a girl I had been meeting with who was going through a similar struggle. I felt sudden surge of strength & peace! If I had to go through all this horrible crap to help others… then so be it. The joy that came from that was worth it. I looked forward to singing this song and being on the other side of our struggle.

Here’s my favorite words to the song… ”We Will Remember”

When we walk through life’s darkest valleys
We will look back at all You have done
And we will shout, our God is good
And He is the faithful One

The round of treatment that we were able to go through over the holidays proved to be less then drama-free. We received over $1000 in free medications from a college buddy’s sister who had been down our road had left over meds. I also received some free samples from our doctors office! This was a huge blessing because my body responded slower then usual so we needed more then we planned on. As I left one of my many appointments I had a bag of samples and eyes full of tears, randomly I got and email on my phone from one of my “infertile mertyles” that simply said she was praying for me and that this year at Thanksgiving she was thankful for me. My heart swelled and I thanked God.  I awkwardly cried at the front desk trying to make my next appointment and cried all the way home. Tears of Joy. Maybe this was what it was all about.

 I suddenly knew what it meant to feel joy in a time of sorrow… God was still good and hadn’t forgotten about me.

The day after my IUI I was in so much pain and could barely walk. We  found out that I had over responded to the medications and that my ovaries had blown up to the sizes of large oranges (normal days should be the size of an olive)  putting me at major risk of doing permanent damage! I was put on bedrest until the pain and oranges had gone down. 

Two weeks later we got our 3rd positive pregnancy test… I was actually kind of mad in a way.  I hadn’t thought through that if this hits the fan again I would most likely miscarry right around Christmas time. December 20th I went back to have my level checked feeling less then optimistic, we needed the number to be around 150. The nurse called and said “your level was 313! Thats great!” I cried over my bosses computer keyboard and immediately got on my knees and thanked God and asking that he not let anyone walk in and see me. Maybe this hot mess would be ok!  

The NEXT DAY I slipped on ice leaving work dislocated my knee cap, and was taking via ambulance to the hospital for hurting my knee. Nothing was broken, but we were limited in what we could do because I was technically pregnant. So they gave me a brace and told me to stay home and sit still. Awesome.. I couldn’t help but wonder what in the WORLD WAS GOD DOING!? The next day I was determined to not miss my last level check to see how things were growing. So my mother in law drove me and pushed me in a wheel chair to my appointment. It was a memory to say the least. They called later that day and my number needed to be 600ish and it came back at 775!  Just how many did we have cooking in there?!

During all this I had missed a ton of work and knew that people were not happy with me. My boss felt that clearly God wanted me to be home and taking it easy since all these crazy things kept happening! She laid me off the next day (no I can’t sue, she took care of me). That same day I started had some bleeding and was put back on a light bedrest again for most of January. I lost more sleep and assumed that this was it and we were going to loose baby #3. So I stayed on my couch and didn’t move much.

So I was unemployed, disabled, and pregnant! Perfect. Just how I saw things going. hahah!

I am blessed and thankful to tell you that we are still pregnant and have made it to the ever popular week 12! I am no longer high risk and have “graduated” from the fertility clinic to a regular doctor.  We’ve seen and heard a heartbeat, we’ve seen it move around, we’ve seen hands & feet and we’ve thanked God to many times to count.  We’ve guarded our hearts from being too excited. Life does that to you sometimes. As time passes our guard comes down little by little. My guard will be down around August 28th when “cletus the fetus” is due. (yes thats our not cutsey name for it)

I am thankful.

I am so used to not being able to stand  pregnant women and everything about it that it’s awkward to now be what I couldn’t stand. That being said… I never EVER want my joy to cause others pain like it did to me for so long.
I will not post on ultrasound pictures on facebook
I will not post the usual monthly belly pictures (plus lets be honest the weight I gained in the last year make me look 6 months pregnant anyway…)
I will not update you on every feeling and measurment of parts of my body you could care less about
I will NEVER complain about how I feel or felt. My husband, mom and my best friends only hear me whine. 

I DO Thank God for the people I’ve met (my Mertyles) and that without them I’m not sure how I would have survived.
I DO Thank God for my husband who stuck by me even on the weirdest of days
I WILL Thank God daily for this blessing that I don’t deserve.
I AM Thankful for what I’ve learned and the those moments he gave me that kept me going everyday.

 And if this blessing doesn’t make it till August we will grieve like never before, but we also know that God gives a little moments of joy in our sorrow to keep us treading water when it gets to deep.  

So thank you! Thank you for your prayers & support. If we post any details about the next 6 months it will be on here and no where else or if you really want to know email or call me and we’ll talk.

When we walk through life’s darkest valleys
We will look back at all You have done
And we will shout, our God is good
And He is the faithful One…. and he is.