The Dramaqween Pastors Kid

Coming out of a very different closet.

October 4, 2010 at 10:44 pm (drama, Pastors Kids, Religion, Uncategorized)

I am telling our story because I have noticed the more we are open about it, the more peace we have and can help people along the same road.

January 2010 I sat in church and heard a sermon about listening to God and if he was calling you to something. At the end of the sermon we were asked to stand up if we felt that God was doing just that. Being a PK and PK in law I rarely ever stood up in fear that people would wonder more about me then I felt they should.

I stood. An overwhelming feeling that THIS was going to be my struggle and I had to be Christlike in it. What was THIS? THIS is hard for me to admit and hard for me to announce, but my hope is that others will find the peace I have by talking about it.

THIS is being able to have children or lack there of. Otherwise known as infertility.

I’ve always know that it might be an issue. I’ve worried about it since I was a teenager. I’ll spare you the details, but God warned me.

After being married for a while we decided to give it a whirl.  Nothing. I called a friend whose mom was in the “child birthing industry” and was referred to a doctor who might be able to help me. I started fertility medications that January with side effects that made me moody and had hot flashes! I was on them when I stood up that Sunday and was now officially terrified. My worst nightmare was coming true. At the same time I felt empowered to make it through this. I mean like everyone always says “God never gives you more then you can handle” I was about to be tested if I believed that.

Round 1 of Fertility Meds- FAIL
Round 2- FAIL
Round 3- FAIL
Round 4- FAIL FAIL FAIL

In between one of these “rounds” I was sent in for one of many lab tests. On one of the sheets I carried down to the lab read “INFERTILE” I stopped in the middle of the hallway and leaned up against the wall. Wow. This was for real. I can’t have children and no one could tell me why. I had “unexplained infertily” .

We had a pricey consultation with a fertility specialist and had an intense series of tests done. At one point laying on a cold hospital x ray table in excruciating pain I teared up and thought…. this is just not how I saw this part of my life going.  Why God…. Why? Why does this happen to so many couples that there are “fertility clinics” ?

All tests returned normal for both of us and I was relieved yet annoyed! What was wrong with me!!!!????  At this point I had watched 11 pregnant friends live my dream and I  was angry. I took monthly rounds of a drug called provera that sent me into a depression, gained 5 pounds each time, and at certain points questioned the value of my life. It was and is awful.  And to think people got pregnant on accident…. for free.  Who knew?

We tried another medication that was cheaper and I thought it had to work! I was submitting to using the most financially smart choice and less aggressive. FAIL. I mean REALLY? I sat alone in the Dr’s office after she told me that it didn’t work and I cried. I’ve never felt more alone, it was as if God has dropped me off at the dr’s office and I was on my own. Finally we started a medication that I injected into my abdomen every day at 8pm. Every other day I went in for an ultrasound and blood work. I looked like a drug addict with all the marks on my inner arm. Long sleeves in summer? Oh yes. God forbid people see the marks.

Slowly but surely we were encouraged with positive results (positive in regard to ovulating) It was working!!!!!!!!! I sobbed through worship that Sunday! God didn’t forget me! WOOHOO! 4 days later I had an IUI and then we waited for two weeks. I felt awful and didn’t care… sick meant pregnant so I was happy with it. 3am baths for the stomach pain? yes. Complain? Heck no.

Finally the two weeks was over! I had a feeling it would be good news. So I picked up Karl from work at lunch and we called from the car. IT WAS POSITIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!! We cried and thanked God! We told our friends and family that knew what we were going through. huge sigh of relief.  Since they were checking my levels every other day I went in 48 hours later to give blood and went to work. As I stood in my bosses office, who was well aware of what was going on, since I had to go in every other day! My cell phone rang…. I stood behind her at her desk just waiting for a number of my level. The nurse told me and I froze. She said “it’s not good enough, you are going to miscarry”

………………………….. wow. after all this. I was devastated.

10 days later it all went down.  I laid in bed just processing everything. What had this come to? I did not anticipate the mental affect this would have.  One of my nearest and bestest friends went through this twice! I went right to her house desperate for a hug and she knew my pain and I was beyond thankful. We still cried and her mom prayed with me. I was still mad. Really mad. I couldn’t believe that God would make this journey even worse! I wasn’t perfect in being Christlike in the journey… but ouch. I felt like I was being punished. I started to become enraged and at one point threw things around my house because I was so mad.

I hate that I can’t stand pregnant women most of the time even though it’s all I want for myself
I hate that I wasted $ on birth control.
I hate that when I knew something was wrong my first Dr. said “just relax and have fun” yup… this is LOTS of fun.
I hate that my friendships have been affected.
I hate that my job was affected.
I hate that anything BABY makes me sad and angry.
I hate that I now dread the holidays.
I hate giving myself injections in my stomach everyday and that the last one they draw a sharpie target on my butt for Karl to give me the huge one.
I hate that I think “my husband could have done better”
I hate that I have a child in heaven and I never met them.
I hate that my friends and family are sad for me.
I hate the stupid things people say about it.

April 2010 when I read “INFERTILE” on my lab sheet, I also Googled it. I found myself a support group that would change my life. I was so scared to go and hear what people would say or think. 2 hours later I left renewed and full of hope and the reality that all these things I hated were normal for my situation. I cried all the way home. I praised God for the peace he had just given me and to hear words and feels come out of these girls mouths that I had though for months and felt guilty about was incredible.  They are my God sent.

September 2010- I host a support group at my house and a cute new girl is there. She is new to all this and I relate to that fear of “what is this?” By the end she was in tears and so thankful to feel normal.  They left. I cried. I knew her peace. I knew her pain and I knew that she needed all of us. We need each other.

That night I decided I had to do more. There were more then the 5 ladies sitting in my living room struggling with this. So starting in October there I will be starting a weekly support group out of Spring Creek Church in Pewaukee.  With out these girls and with out them reminding me that God still loves me, he’s still in control and there are still happy endings I would not be able to say…

I LOVE that God gives me peace when I don’t deserve it.
I LOVE that Karl loves me despite my imperfections.
I LOVE that I married my best friend and even when I feel alone I know that I am not.
I LOVE that God is in control… even when I am angry.
I LOVE the  Infertile Mertyles I’ve met near and far.
I LOVE that God gives Beauty for ashes. (Isaiah 61:3)

This is a horrible horrible journey that not many people talk about. Talking about it for Karl and I has made things just a little more bearable. Please if you know someone who is dealing with infertility don’t tell them to relax…. Just admit that it sucks and you are there to LISTEN if they need it. We don’t need advice foods to eat or not eat, not to ride a bike or run, to stop drinking coffee, vacations to take, or the worst… thing to say? Just relax.  Not everyone gets pregnant when they “let it go.”

If you are dealing with this… I’m sorry. Truly sorry. My heart aches for you and I have tears in my eyes understanding your pain. I hope you’ll share your story and bring hope to other women in your shoes. If you are local I hope you’ll contact me about one of the support groups.