The Dramaqween Pastors Kid

I’ve been thinking a lot lately how dependant on other people we are for security. It’s a common joke and reality that women go to the bathroom in pairs. We go to the mall in pairs and groups. It’s just nice to have someone else there with you. Not to mention social events! Nothing is worse then being at a party where you know only the host.

Until recently thats exactly how I felt about heaven. Just NOT quite ready. I just imagine this big party with gold roads and the host is going to be too busy to talk to me and I’ll feel awkward because I don’t know anyone. In my head I know that that is not really how it will be, but a fear at the same time.  Foolishly because I can’t comprehend how heaven will actually be. But now that I know more people who are now there… its seems so much better! I’m quite annoyed with myself for being excited to see my two grandpa’s  and aunt more then heaven. Granted, my curiosity is peaked with a slight nervousness about how I’ll actually get there.

I’ve found myself  the few weeks after Grandpa Ransom and Grandpa Hettinga passed that I talked to them more then God… Not a long lasting habit, but still. Maybe it’s part of the grieving process. I don’t know.

 Now I realize that as humans we can’t hug God, we can’t carry on a wordy conversation, or even go shopping together. The feeling and relationship I have with God has proven to be less then most people here on earth. Why? Apparently because it’s not easy. There’s a little bit of guilt with the fact that I want to see my gramps more then God. I’m excited to meet God, but I don’t know what I’m missing and it’s bothering me.  It’s just been very eye opening how superficial a relationship can be.

I’m trying to grasp the balance of respect and friendship with a God that I know, but not well enough to miss him and REALLY want to be in heaven with him. 

Just processing all these new feelings…