I’ve been thinking a lot lately how dependant on other people we are for security. It’s a common joke and reality that women go to the bathroom in pairs. We go to the mall in pairs and groups. It’s just nice to have someone else there with you. Not to mention social events! Nothing is worse then being at a party where you know only the host.
Until recently thats exactly how I felt about heaven. Just NOT quite ready. I just imagine this big party with gold roads and the host is going to be too busy to talk to me and I’ll feel awkward because I don’t know anyone. In my head I know that that is not really how it will be, but a fear at the same time. Foolishly because I can’t comprehend how heaven will actually be. But now that I know more people who are now there… its seems so much better! I’m quite annoyed with myself for being excited to see my two grandpa’s and aunt more then heaven. Granted, my curiosity is peaked with a slight nervousness about how I’ll actually get there.
I’ve found myself the few weeks after Grandpa Ransom and Grandpa Hettinga passed that I talked to them more then God… Not a long lasting habit, but still. Maybe it’s part of the grieving process. I don’t know.
Now I realize that as humans we can’t hug God, we can’t carry on a wordy conversation, or even go shopping together. The feeling and relationship I have with God has proven to be less then most people here on earth. Why? Apparently because it’s not easy. There’s a little bit of guilt with the fact that I want to see my gramps more then God. I’m excited to meet God, but I don’t know what I’m missing and it’s bothering me. It’s just been very eye opening how superficial a relationship can be.
I’m trying to grasp the balance of respect and friendship with a God that I know, but not well enough to miss him and REALLY want to be in heaven with him.
Just processing all these new feelings… 
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This is what I read at my grandfather’s funeral on March 13th 2009.
My name is Bethany and I am Ken Hettinga’s oldest grandchild. Growing up and still to this day I am often asked “Where did you come from?! Your dad is so patient and calm and you mom is so sweet! I always respond… “My grandpa… I’m just like him. I even got his nose” The section of my heart that belongs to my grandpa is huge. I was always a grandpa’s girl and I learned so much from him. He taught me that no matter what life brings, you will rely on God and if you mess up, learn from it and he will give you grace. He knew that for a fact.
When I was asked to say something today my initial reaction was “ohgreat everyone is going to think I am a speech problem and will sob my way through who thing.” It hit me that if I got up here and gave a “woe is me” talk I would be letting him down. If he were watching me he’d be so annoyed.
He is with God who he and we all should be striving to see. Heaven just got a whole lot sweeter to me.
I wrote this in complete denial about the fact that I am going to one of my favorite people’s funeral. I’m looking at a picture on my desk of me and grandpa when I was three and I’m sitting on his lap, with the biggest cheesiet grin you’ve ever seen. I love him. I relate to him. I am honored to be part of his legacy.
Grandpa had the biggest heart and would do anything for anyone in need. And altho he could come across stubborn and tough, it was a front. I know… I am the same way. The people he loved came first, whether or not they returned the action he prayed for them. daily. Grandpa and Grandma prayed… hard and often. Grandpa worked… hard. Grandpa laughed…hard. We Hettinga’s consider ourselves “earthy” and we all laugh til we cry. He was a funny, funny man and he never lost that. Even at my apartment in a wheel chair, after a not so optimistic dr’s appointment he made me laugh really hard. Some people let life and other people suck our sense of humor and family values out of them. He did
not and I am forever proud and greatful. As we left his final dr’s appt and we were all sobbing I told him that I can’t wait to see him in heaven and to hug my other grandpa and aunt Beth. He asked if I knew that for sure and I looked him in the eyes and said “ABSOLUTELY!” We both hugged and cried, but what peace.
If my mind could contemplate what heaven might be like I can imagine that right now my grandpa is sitting some where with the most beautiful guitar and singing his favorite hymns, praising God and maybe that creepy song about the dog named Shep that always makes my mom cry. Anything to make people laugh. Aunt Beth will be there…perfect as ever, and will be right next to him along with his other friends and family. Grandpa has an all new audience to tell his stories and jokes to… what a lucky crowd. I really hope he started out with the story about ” I shot dat doggone tree right off”
That was one of my favorites and it always made me laugh.
If anyone here might try to convince themselves that he was perfect…it might be me. I know better. But I knew his heart. I know that he loved his God fiercely and wanted to do well in God’s eyes. He wanted to serve God and he did. Grandpa devoted his life to serving his Lord who gave him the most amazing wife a man could ask for, children who all grew up to love God who then gave him the greatest grandchildren EVER.
Every single one of us will hug our grandfather again. I will someday hold his hands that I absolutely loved. His hands that were strong and calussed but gave the greatest high fives and handshakes. He loved kids and I loved seeing him at church giving high fives to all the kids in the nursury,including his youngest grandsons. I hope that they remember him like I do.
So while my heart hurts like nothing I’ve ever felt and I miss him desperately I have the joy in knowing that I WILL in fact see him again. He raised his family to love God and serve him and in return we will all be able to hear those crazy stories and get those big bear hugs again someday.
Thank you.
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