I thought today may never happen…
January 17th of last year I stood up in church and felt called to the struggle of infertility. Little did I know what that would mean. Some of you have read my last post back in the fall about our Journey… here’s a little update.
In November we conceived again and 2 weeks later suffered yet another miscarraige. It was devastating. I was incredibly stressed about the holidays and the thought of going through the holidays with out going through treatment or being pregnant all while trying to be Thankful for something. The emotional toll that would take would be too much to even think about for me. As strange as it sounds I miscarried quickly enough that I was able to start treatment again right away even though my dr. didn’t totally recommend it. I begged and cried. With tears in her eyes she gave me a hug and gave the ok to move forward.
Thanksgiving this year was incredibly hard. I was missing my family, getting over that I had just miscarried again and starting the treatment all over again. The Thanksgiving service at church was a turning point for me when we sang a song at church called “We Will Remember”. We were asked to take eachothers hands and I held hands with my husband and a girl I had been meeting with who was going through a similar struggle. I felt sudden surge of strength & peace! If I had to go through all this horrible crap to help others… then so be it. The joy that came from that was worth it. I looked forward to singing this song and being on the other side of our struggle.
Here’s my favorite words to the song… ”We Will Remember”
When we walk through life’s darkest valleys
We will look back at all You have done
And we will shout, our God is good
And He is the faithful One
The round of treatment that we were able to go through over the holidays proved to be less then drama-free. We received over $1000 in free medications from a college buddy’s sister who had been down our road had left over meds. I also received some free samples from our doctors office! This was a huge blessing because my body responded slower then usual so we needed more then we planned on. As I left one of my many appointments I had a bag of samples and eyes full of tears, randomly I got and email on my phone from one of my “infertile mertyles” that simply said she was praying for me and that this year at Thanksgiving she was thankful for me. My heart swelled and I thanked God. I awkwardly cried at the front desk trying to make my next appointment and cried all the way home. Tears of Joy. Maybe this was what it was all about.
I suddenly knew what it meant to feel joy in a time of sorrow… God was still good and hadn’t forgotten about me.
The day after my IUI I was in so much pain and could barely walk. We found out that I had over responded to the medications and that my ovaries had blown up to the sizes of large oranges (normal days should be the size of an olive) putting me at major risk of doing permanent damage! I was put on bedrest until the pain and oranges had gone down.
Two weeks later we got our 3rd positive pregnancy test… I was actually kind of mad in a way. I hadn’t thought through that if this hits the fan again I would most likely miscarry right around Christmas time. December 20th I went back to have my level checked feeling less then optimistic, we needed the number to be around 150. The nurse called and said “your level was 313! Thats great!” I cried over my bosses computer keyboard and immediately got on my knees and thanked God and asking that he not let anyone walk in and see me. Maybe this hot mess would be ok!
The NEXT DAY I slipped on ice leaving work dislocated my knee cap, and was taking via ambulance to the hospital for hurting my knee. Nothing was broken, but we were limited in what we could do because I was technically pregnant. So they gave me a brace and told me to stay home and sit still. Awesome.. I couldn’t help but wonder what in the WORLD WAS GOD DOING!? The next day I was determined to not miss my last level check to see how things were growing. So my mother in law drove me and pushed me in a wheel chair to my appointment. It was a memory to say the least. They called later that day and my number needed to be 600ish and it came back at 775! Just how many did we have cooking in there?!
During all this I had missed a ton of work and knew that people were not happy with me. My boss felt that clearly God wanted me to be home and taking it easy since all these crazy things kept happening! She laid me off the next day (no I can’t sue, she took care of me). That same day I started had some bleeding and was put back on a light bedrest again for most of January. I lost more sleep and assumed that this was it and we were going to loose baby #3. So I stayed on my couch and didn’t move much.
So I was unemployed, disabled, and pregnant! Perfect. Just how I saw things going. hahah!
I am blessed and thankful to tell you that we are still pregnant and have made it to the ever popular week 12! I am no longer high risk and have “graduated” from the fertility clinic to a regular doctor. We’ve seen and heard a heartbeat, we’ve seen it move around, we’ve seen hands & feet and we’ve thanked God to many times to count. We’ve guarded our hearts from being too excited. Life does that to you sometimes. As time passes our guard comes down little by little. My guard will be down around August 28th when “cletus the fetus” is due. (yes thats our not cutsey name for it)
I am thankful.
I am so used to not being able to stand pregnant women and everything about it that it’s awkward to now be what I couldn’t stand. That being said… I never EVER want my joy to cause others pain like it did to me for so long.
I will not post on ultrasound pictures on facebook
I will not post the usual monthly belly pictures (plus lets be honest the weight I gained in the last year make me look 6 months pregnant anyway…)
I will not update you on every feeling and measurment of parts of my body you could care less about
I will NEVER complain about how I feel or felt. My husband, mom and my best friends only hear me whine.
I DO Thank God for the people I’ve met (my Mertyles) and that without them I’m not sure how I would have survived.
I DO Thank God for my husband who stuck by me even on the weirdest of days
I WILL Thank God daily for this blessing that I don’t deserve.
I AM Thankful for what I’ve learned and the those moments he gave me that kept me going everyday.
And if this blessing doesn’t make it till August we will grieve like never before, but we also know that God gives a little moments of joy in our sorrow to keep us treading water when it gets to deep.
So thank you! Thank you for your prayers & support. If we post any details about the next 6 months it will be on here and no where else or if you really want to know email or call me and we’ll talk. 
When we walk through life’s darkest valleys
We will look back at all You have done
And we will shout, our God is good
And He is the faithful One…. and he is.
What if…
I saw this a long time a go and thought it was well done.
Kinda makes me dizzy… but it’s good.
Coming out of a very different closet.
I am telling our story because I have noticed the more we are open about it, the more peace we have and can help people along the same road.
January 2010 I sat in church and heard a sermon about listening to God and if he was calling you to something. At the end of the sermon we were asked to stand up if we felt that God was doing just that. Being a PK and PK in law I rarely ever stood up in fear that people would wonder more about me then I felt they should.
I stood. An overwhelming feeling that THIS was going to be my struggle and I had to be Christlike in it. What was THIS? THIS is hard for me to admit and hard for me to announce, but my hope is that others will find the peace I have by talking about it.
THIS is being able to have children or lack there of. Otherwise known as infertility.
I’ve always know that it might be an issue. I’ve worried about it since I was a teenager. I’ll spare you the details, but God warned me.
After being married for a while we decided to give it a whirl. Nothing. I called a friend whose mom was in the “child birthing industry” and was referred to a doctor who might be able to help me. I started fertility medications that January with side effects that made me moody and had hot flashes! I was on them when I stood up that Sunday and was now officially terrified. My worst nightmare was coming true. At the same time I felt empowered to make it through this. I mean like everyone always says “God never gives you more then you can handle” I was about to be tested if I believed that.
Round 1 of Fertility Meds- FAIL
Round 2- FAIL
Round 3- FAIL
Round 4- FAIL FAIL FAIL
In between one of these “rounds” I was sent in for one of many lab tests. On one of the sheets I carried down to the lab read “INFERTILE” I stopped in the middle of the hallway and leaned up against the wall. Wow. This was for real. I can’t have children and no one could tell me why. I had “unexplained infertily” .
We had a pricey consultation with a fertility specialist and had an intense series of tests done. At one point laying on a cold hospital x ray table in excruciating pain I teared up and thought…. this is just not how I saw this part of my life going. Why God…. Why? Why does this happen to so many couples that there are “fertility clinics” ?
All tests returned normal for both of us and I was relieved yet annoyed! What was wrong with me!!!!???? At this point I had watched 11 pregnant friends live my dream and I was angry. I took monthly rounds of a drug called provera that sent me into a depression, gained 5 pounds each time, and at certain points questioned the value of my life. It was and is awful. And to think people got pregnant on accident…. for free. Who knew?
We tried another medication that was cheaper and I thought it had to work! I was submitting to using the most financially smart choice and less aggressive. FAIL. I mean REALLY? I sat alone in the Dr’s office after she told me that it didn’t work and I cried. I’ve never felt more alone, it was as if God has dropped me off at the dr’s office and I was on my own. Finally we started a medication that I injected into my abdomen every day at 8pm. Every other day I went in for an ultrasound and blood work. I looked like a drug addict with all the marks on my inner arm. Long sleeves in summer? Oh yes. God forbid people see the marks.
Slowly but surely we were encouraged with positive results (positive in regard to ovulating) It was working!!!!!!!!! I sobbed through worship that Sunday! God didn’t forget me! WOOHOO! 4 days later I had an IUI and then we waited for two weeks. I felt awful and didn’t care… sick meant pregnant so I was happy with it. 3am baths for the stomach pain? yes. Complain? Heck no.
Finally the two weeks was over! I had a feeling it would be good news. So I picked up Karl from work at lunch and we called from the car. IT WAS POSITIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!! We cried and thanked God! We told our friends and family that knew what we were going through. huge sigh of relief. Since they were checking my levels every other day I went in 48 hours later to give blood and went to work. As I stood in my bosses office, who was well aware of what was going on, since I had to go in every other day! My cell phone rang…. I stood behind her at her desk just waiting for a number of my level. The nurse told me and I froze. She said “it’s not good enough, you are going to miscarry”
………………………….. wow. after all this. I was devastated.
10 days later it all went down. I laid in bed just processing everything. What had this come to? I did not anticipate the mental affect this would have. One of my nearest and bestest friends went through this twice! I went right to her house desperate for a hug and she knew my pain and I was beyond thankful. We still cried and her mom prayed with me. I was still mad. Really mad. I couldn’t believe that God would make this journey even worse! I wasn’t perfect in being Christlike in the journey… but ouch. I felt like I was being punished. I started to become enraged and at one point threw things around my house because I was so mad.
I hate that I can’t stand pregnant women most of the time even though it’s all I want for myself
I hate that I wasted $ on birth control.
I hate that when I knew something was wrong my first Dr. said “just relax and have fun” yup… this is LOTS of fun.
I hate that my friendships have been affected.
I hate that my job was affected.
I hate that anything BABY makes me sad and angry.
I hate that I now dread the holidays.
I hate giving myself injections in my stomach everyday and that the last one they draw a sharpie target on my butt for Karl to give me the huge one.
I hate that I think “my husband could have done better”
I hate that I have a child in heaven and I never met them.
I hate that my friends and family are sad for me.
I hate the stupid things people say about it.
April 2010 when I read “INFERTILE” on my lab sheet, I also Googled it. I found myself a support group that would change my life. I was so scared to go and hear what people would say or think. 2 hours later I left renewed and full of hope and the reality that all these things I hated were normal for my situation. I cried all the way home. I praised God for the peace he had just given me and to hear words and feels come out of these girls mouths that I had though for months and felt guilty about was incredible. They are my God sent.
September 2010- I host a support group at my house and a cute new girl is there. She is new to all this and I relate to that fear of “what is this?” By the end she was in tears and so thankful to feel normal. They left. I cried. I knew her peace. I knew her pain and I knew that she needed all of us. We need each other.
That night I decided I had to do more. There were more then the 5 ladies sitting in my living room struggling with this. So starting in October there I will be starting a weekly support group out of Spring Creek Church in Pewaukee. With out these girls and with out them reminding me that God still loves me, he’s still in control and there are still happy endings I would not be able to say…
I LOVE that God gives me peace when I don’t deserve it.
I LOVE that Karl loves me despite my imperfections.
I LOVE that I married my best friend and even when I feel alone I know that I am not.
I LOVE that God is in control… even when I am angry.
I LOVE the Infertile Mertyles I’ve met near and far.
I LOVE that God gives Beauty for ashes. (Isaiah 61:3)
This is a horrible horrible journey that not many people talk about. Talking about it for Karl and I has made things just a little more bearable. Please if you know someone who is dealing with infertility don’t tell them to relax…. Just admit that it sucks and you are there to LISTEN if they need it. We don’t need advice foods to eat or not eat, not to ride a bike or run, to stop drinking coffee, vacations to take, or the worst… thing to say? Just relax. Not everyone gets pregnant when they “let it go.”
If you are dealing with this… I’m sorry. Truly sorry. My heart aches for you and I have tears in my eyes understanding your pain. I hope you’ll share your story and bring hope to other women in your shoes. If you are local I hope you’ll contact me about one of the support groups.
Classic!
Last night my beloved and I went to dinner and stopped at the grocery store for some things. While standing in front of the freezer section my husband who had a surge or hyperness went into this little dance. I was laughing and he was going nuts! When I turned around I realized that he had drawn a little audience!!!! Embarassed… I just looked at him like REALLY?
We then realized that Karl knew the family from church and while they were talking I over hear the mother whisper to the daughter “Do you know who that is? That’s Pastor Chip’s son and daughter in law!”
HAHAHAH!
Priceless. I fully expect Karl to do his new little dance in church on Sunday.
Dear Thighs,
I HATE YOU!
Weight has been struggle for me since I had my tonsils out and “opened the flood gates”
A few months ago I realized just how glutton I am! While sitting at a very nice restraunt we happend to be seated towards the back near the kitchen. My friends and I enjoyed an lovely meal and talked non stop. Everyonce in a while I got a whif of a little somethin somethin’ that I made me thankful I didn’t order whatever “that guy” was having.
At the end of the meal we realized that our table had suddenly been surrounded by candle’s discreetly placed. We also noticed that we were the only table left in that section!!!! awkward.
So when the server came back to the table I asked if we smelled or what was going on… she said “ohhhh yeahhhhh our septic backed up in the kitchen and it smells really bad over here. I’m really sorry about that”
Being the frugal one that I am I ask for a discount and the manager. 5 minutes later… dinner was FREE!
On the drive home gloating to my friend on the phone about my free meal I realized that I just DOWNED my etire meal whilst inhaling POOP FUMES! Suddenly the free meal didn’t seem so great. I mean… am I just the biggest piggy to walk this earth that I can devour my meal while the smell of poop lingers. SO GROSS!
I am now a member of weight watchers.
PISSED. I want my tonsils back.
Getting BETTER!
I realize that my last post and this one are on the same date, only the Head vs. Heart was written about a month ago.
Since writing that and staring at my computer screen through tears I’m learning that TIME (and a lot of prayer during that time) helps. The racing heart and fear that comes with knowing change is coming is rough! I’ve gotten my head and heart closer together and can say that while I don’t like my parents moving I LOVE to know that my dad will be joy filled and happy with what he is doing to serve the God he loves and has served most his life. I’ve also had to put my self in my mom’s shoes of what if it were Karl? I’d be pretty miserable if he were. Hearing her say over the phone that she teared up watching my dad lead in Nebraska just be over the moon excited to be doing what he was doing worshiping God with others in that setting was enough for me to hear.
There will still be tears and we all know how to get each other to cry really well! (drives my hubby nuts!!! He works so hard to make me happy and my mom can give me look and we are both sobbing! HAHAHAH! ) I mean my dad can facebook me a nice little sentance and I am suddenly crying so hard that I pop my knee out of the socket while turning to blow my nose. I must say… that was one of the best cries I have had in a long time. Not his fault… mine… I am the biggest Klutz ever. Maybe that is his fault… he is too! hahaha !
I guess I can bust out my overalls and head out west for visits where they can’t send me home easily as they can now.
God is ALWAYS good, it just doesn’t always FEEL like it… at least not right away.
Heart vs. Head
I started this blog about being a pastors kid and thought of it as my past. It now has become my present also. Not in the way that I anticipated… not a huge fan of suprise to be honest. Unless it’s a gift. 
My father is going to be a pastor again. Only this time they will be 1000 miles away. I’ll be honest and say that I’ve never lived more then 20 minutes from my parents… ever. So the thought of it makes me incredibly sad. Only it makes him incredibly happy to do what he loves.
It makes me wish God could just shoot me and email or leave me a post-it with little hints and to why he does what he does.
The other night at our Couples Bible Study it came up about having a hard time with getting out heads and hearts lined up. So I decided to look up Jeremiah 17:9… a verse I have to remind myself of often. “The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick; Who can understand it?” So I googled it to see what kind of commentary I could find. And low and behold on the side bar next to all the translations was a photo of jerusalem with a mark right next to the city of BETHANY. huh. Point taken.
I’ve always struggled with the “I know it makes no sense to FEEL this way, but I do.” Where do you draw the line between “a gut feeling” and “common sense” And then I read this Romans 1:21 “For even though they knew God, they did not honor Him as God or give thanks, but they became futile in their speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened.” It is SO hard to be thankful for something you don’t want, but knowing it’s what God wants tends to put it in to perspective. So I continue to try to balance feelings with facts.
Heaven
I’ve been thinking a lot lately how dependant on other people we are for security. It’s a common joke and reality that women go to the bathroom in pairs. We go to the mall in pairs and groups. It’s just nice to have someone else there with you. Not to mention social events! Nothing is worse then being at a party where you know only the host.
Until recently thats exactly how I felt about heaven. Just NOT quite ready. I just imagine this big party with gold roads and the host is going to be too busy to talk to me and I’ll feel awkward because I don’t know anyone. In my head I know that that is not really how it will be, but a fear at the same time. Foolishly because I can’t comprehend how heaven will actually be. But now that I know more people who are now there… its seems so much better! I’m quite annoyed with myself for being excited to see my two grandpa’s and aunt more then heaven. Granted, my curiosity is peaked with a slight nervousness about how I’ll actually get there.
I’ve found myself the few weeks after Grandpa Ransom and Grandpa Hettinga passed that I talked to them more then God… Not a long lasting habit, but still. Maybe it’s part of the grieving process. I don’t know.
Now I realize that as humans we can’t hug God, we can’t carry on a wordy conversation, or even go shopping together. The feeling and relationship I have with God has proven to be less then most people here on earth. Why? Apparently because it’s not easy. There’s a little bit of guilt with the fact that I want to see my gramps more then God. I’m excited to meet God, but I don’t know what I’m missing and it’s bothering me. It’s just been very eye opening how superficial a relationship can be.
I’m trying to grasp the balance of respect and friendship with a God that I know, but not well enough to miss him and REALLY want to be in heaven with him.
Just processing all these new feelings…
My Grandpa… he will be greatly missed.
This is what I read at my grandfather’s funeral on March 13th 2009.
